free thinking

I know that Mel’s friends from Germany had not seen her for a while, and some of her new friends here had not seen her modelling work before. So I made a video with the bits and pieces that I had that gives a good view of her life, and the wonderful being that she was.

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE VIDEO OF MELANIE HENNING

I would recommend right-clicking on the link above and then “Save Target As” because it is quite a big file. I didn’t compress it too much, as it is worth having decent quality for this. It is worth downloading.

When I was making it, I was just focussed on the practical aspects of it – converting files into a workable format, getting the file size right etc. When I sat back and watched it full screen, it almost knocked me off my seat. Such a vivid reminder of the vibrant, gorgeous woman that was my wife. While the human being that she was has gone back to dust and ash, the Spirit that made her who she was still lives strong.

I learned some important lessons recently:

– Holding onto the pain of Melanie’s loss is not the same as holding onto Melanie
– Letting go of the pain of her loss is not the same as letting go of my love for her

These might sound self-evident, but it takes a realisation when you have been so deep in grief, that the day starts to come when the memory and love is still bright but the pain is less sharp, and those days are starting to come for me.

I hope you enjoy looking at this video. It makes it difficult to believe that she is permanently gone from this life. To think that her mermaid impersonation was just a few short months ago…

For me, Life has become a profound experience because of what I experienced with her. I have been through the utmost depths and most glorious highs, and in the aftermath it has forced me to review the most fundamental questions and positions in a life – who am I, what do I want, where am I going, am I doing the right thing with my short time here on Earth?

I am comfortable that I am on the right track, developing myself and my understanding, and building a foundation that will stand me in good stead for the rest of my life. I don’t want to waste this human life, especially because I feel that Mel’s life and death, and some other extreme circumstances I have endured, have been partly to shape me for the work I have to do, and it would be awful to let all that sacrifice go to waste. I won’t let that happen.

I realised that a lot of people don’t know much about how we ended up in the situation we were, and how in a way it was very sudden. From December 2008 we knew were were in a very serious situation, but the discovery in December was quite a shock to everyone.

In January 2008 Mel was diagnosed with cervical cancer which was quite a blow. She had been experiencing some strange symptoms and bad pain, but we did not expect that. She had a hysterectomy in March 2008 and radiation and chemotherapy, and seemed to bounce back amazingly well. She spend a period recovering and then got on with life. In September and October she went for check-ups that seemed fine, and her only complaint was abdominal pain, which steadily got worse, mainly at nights. But it was thought to be a side effect from the radiation. I remember waking up one night with her writhing in pain and getting worried.

Apart from that, she was at full strength again, and our relationship had matured. We had so much fun together, and her sparkling presence will always be missed by me. We really were building a lovely life together. Look below at the photo I took on a sunset by the beach one day, to me it is the perfect person, exactly what I needed.

Her stomach had been getting worse and worse until we eventually took her in to hospital in December for bowel surgery, as we thought scarring had caused a bowel obstruction. When they opened her up , there was cancer everywhere. It shocked everyone. From then on, she didn’t have much chance.

It really took us by suprise. She had bought a cycling computer like mine and was very enthusiastic to clock up lots of kilos, but it only registered 40 kms before she was cut down. I bought her a new helmet that she loved. She wore it to one race, came second and got a silver, and at the next race withdrew because her stomach hurt. She never wore it again.

We had all kinds of plans, about holidays and marriage and kids and careers, and they were suddenly dashed to bits. At all times we operated under the plan that she was going to make it, only giving up right at the end. Still sad to me that we bought nice linen for our marriage that she hardly slept in, she chose a tent that she never camped in, etc. She was denied all the simple things she wanted that brought her such joy.

Looking back at the pictures now, I can see how since that day in December, she had a kind of seriousness about her, a sadness that was inside her as she slipped out of this world. The photo below is one of the last I took of her, on our honeymoon. She is so lovely, but you can see in her eyes and behind her expression that she knew what path she was travelling.

I often wonder what I would change if I could go back to December, if I had know that when we got married it would not even last 100 days. If on honeymoon I should have just lain next to her and gazed at her. But then I realised that I would have just been prolonging the death and parting experience. We did the opposite, we extended the life experience as long as we could, because we had so much joy out of being a couple together.

After the honeymoon, complication after complication arose. Each time we chose to fight, and each time she had a horrible procedure with dire consequences, and each time there was another nasty surprise until there was nothing she could do anymore but give in. She stopped eating and a week later was gone. In that week I spent almost every minute by her side, and was holding her in my arms as she drew her last breath. We were both hopeful that if it ended, it would be in that close and loving manner. By then, we were both praying for her release. And then she was free, and now our memory is not of those last days but of a life filled with joy and happiness.

I have always been positive, but always had a kind of sadness from never having had soul companionship. I truly had that with Mel, and it is devastating that she left us. Now the lonesome feeling is back, but there is one change.

She came into my life and loved me fully, and this let me love myself properly, and love others. This is a great gift we gave each other, and I will try to never lose it.

I have read before, that in the grief process, it is common that the first time you experience something without the other person, it often hits you afresh. This is true.

This weekend I was in Hermanus, and trying to remember exactly when I was there last, and what we had done. Then I took my pack of dogs for a walk, and we went down the dirt road by the sea. I went around the corner, and when I saw the scene I remembered it like it was yesterday. Mel had been getting into her mountain biking, and we had both bikes there and were riding there for her to practice. She liked it because it was not too step, so suitable terrain. We were riding and talking, having so much fun, just enjoying our lives together. It is almost inconceivable that the next time I am there, I am alone, and she has left this world as her body gave in. Not even a year ago, she was the picture of health and happiness.

It is hard to accept, but at least looking back on that memory, it reminds me of the good and full life that we had. Like she once mentioned, every time we went away somewhere together, we had a great time. It was never a disappointment, because we had the company of each other.

She started getting me to go to spinning classes, which was never really my thing, preferring the mountains. But I started enjoying it too. Today I went, and it was the first time since she left us. I sat by chance on the same bike, and looked next to me where she always sat, and could almost picture her there, bobbing as she pedalled at high speed. She would always flash me the hugest grin when I looked at her, and she just LOVED it when we went together. She was simple like that, just wanting to spend time together doing something fun. When I arrived there would be a bottle of water and bottle of sports drink ready in the bike, and the bike size settings would be set to what I need, and my riding shoes there. Afterwards she would give me a lift back to the office. All these small things she did to make my world as wonderful as she could. When I looked at that empty bike today, all of this flashed through my head, and out of nowhere, on a normal day, I suddenly choked on grief, and had to hide my head in my armpit as the tears flowed. Something as simple as a spinning class made the grief feel fresh again as I was confronted with it unexpectedly.

It is such a strange process to go through. One the one hand it is the most tragic, unbearable, painful, awful loss, that it seems impossible to recover from. On the other hand, it has happened. It is over. No amount of anything is going go change that. So, it is about coping with it, dealing with it, and living your life still. As always, we have to make the best of everything.

I am going to share the little bit I have composed and added to the front of my daily prayer:

Lord, give me the understanding and acceptance of the untimely death of my lovely wife Melanie Henning
Let me somehow still be filled with peace, love and happiness
Let strength and healing flow through me and help me to recover from this awful loss

I can only hope it does. It will, I know that.

A while ago, I sorted through pictures of my life together with Mel, to make an album of her life. I came across these little bits of video footage that I had taken with my photo camera, I did not even know I had them. You can imagine how moving it was for me when I saw these little clipls, seeing her so fresh and alive, and so in love with me.

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE VIDEO

Now when I look at this, it is less painful than a month or so ago. It is a reminder of what a beautiful woman she was, so full of life and joy. Of how refined she was, yet still active and adventurous. She almost seems to have more life and energy in her than the normal person.

This day was a fun day in the canopies of the forest, an expedition she had wanted to do, and it was great fun. We did it as part of a country road trip we did together in December 2007, a trip that we really enjoyed and brought us closer together. At that time we had just learned that there was something wrong with her health, but did not yet know more than that she was going to have an investigative procedure when we returned home. Little did we know what lay ahead of us.

But as humans, we never do. That is why it is so important to make the most of every day, which I feel that we did. This helps give me peace. We have no regrets of things left unsaid or love never expressed. We did everything we could to fight the sickness and its potential outcome, but we could not change fate. It drew to its conclusion and she was taken from this mortal life. For her, she still exists with the same spirit and awareness. For us, her death is such a final and irreversible thing that we have no choice but to deal with it. The only way to go on is to heal, and enjoy life again. Because while it can have moments of the most utter tragedy and pain, this Life is truly a blessing, a chance to experience the Divine. And this experience should not be spoiled because we can not bear, and slowly put down, the hurt that we carry. It does not diminish our love for them, or their meaning in our lives, if we are able to find meaning and happiness in our lives again after they leave us. In fact, that is our obligation.

In these extremely difficult times, I have found that my spiritual practices are proving their benefit by providing me with the support that I need at this time. It has not been a matter of trying to get more out of them, but in my current state when I do yoga, or meditate, or read, I seem to slip much easier into it, with full awareness of what I am doing. The practices are suddenly unfolding for me, allowing me to fall deeper into them, and get even richer reward from them, reminding me why they became part of my daily life and practices.

I meditated today and remember the one passage I used to dwell on when I was in another difficult situation in my life, about 10 years ago. It came from the Boddhisattva teachings. While I predominantly study the Vedas, the ancient texts underlying Indian religious thought and philosophy, I also enjoy studying the teachings of all religions or philosphies, as within them there can always be found great insights which are being shared by blessed, enlightened souls.

“A bodhisatva is a being who, uninterested in his liberation alone, strives for the wellbeing of all living creatures. The Bodhisattva comes into being with the development of the Awakening Mind, the purely altruistic wish to avhieve the state of Buddha, and with this motivation he then proceeds to engage in a way of life that is conducive to the realisation of his goal”.
The Bodhisattvas Way Of Life

What an amazing role model, a completely selfless being interested only in the wellbeing of all others. Their vow is to not move into a restful and enlightened state until all being are also enlightened.

Anyway, this is one of their core principles that I try to make a cornerstone of my life, as it can give you the bedrock of your spiritual life.
“Unconditional love, peace, gladness and equanamity under all circumstances”.

Can you imagine that? No matter what your situation, no matter what you are going through, no matter how you have been hurt, your mind, heart and spirit feel the same. You are overflowing with unconditional love for all beings. You are filled with a deep peace and a general gladness that does not relate to a specific thing, but to your general state of being. And you treat all situations with the same equanamity. They are part of this life that you are manifesting and you accept it as such.

That is the feeling that comes out of a Buddha statue, and the feeling that you try to fill yourself with when you meditate upon these principles and teachings. The deep calm that you can fill yourself with and keep with you as you move through your life and daily actions, helping you to be in it, but not of it.

So, it is almost one month since Melanie Henning passed from this world.

I don’t want to ever have a month like that again. It is very difficult to bear. But what I have to admit, is that over the last few months and years I have lived every extreme of emotion. The hope, the disappointment, the fears, the loss, the suffering, the faith.

I was looking at the wedding pictures, and saw my face on the photo below. I have never seen it so charged with emotion before. Pure Exhiliration at the moment of being married.

What makes it even more special, is seeing that same exhilirated glee on her face too.

I have not seen many people who are happier together than Mel and I were. We made such an excellent pairing and loved each other so much, that it is difficult to see why our relationship should be cut so short. But there is no time on the other side, and rather 3 months of heaven than 6 decades of misery is the message I have received.

I know that Mel’s passing has left a huge impact on many people. Not just me, but all of her friends are dealing daily with this event, trying to understand it. By her leaving at her very prime, cut down in her strength and joy and beauty, it made her departure as profound as it could possibly be. By being so tragic, it is the biggest lesson to us.

I have peace that she is OK on the other side, and living on. It is just the loss of companionship that is insurmountable. So now it it about falling back into the pursuits I love so much, from mountain biking to bass guitar, to feel OK about a day without her.

I posted some photos of Mel in a special album, to show what kind of person she was, and especially the life that we shared together over the last few years.

When i look at them now, and the grin on my face when I was with her, I really realise how much happiness she gave me. Luckily when I look at the huge smile on her face, I know I gave the same to her.

Here is the link to album of Melanie Henning

I miss sharing time with her, having fun with her. Like her volunteering as my model and us heading down to the beach at sunset and her stripping down as the sun set. Look how naturally beautiful she is in the photo below. I could not have asked for more.

But she is still with us, even if it is from the other side. She is free from pain, and while she had a short life, it was not a wasted one. We may not have been able to carry out of all our plans as a couple, but she achieved her life goals, and her soul moved to a higher level. She was able to let go of anger, fear and pain, and die in a calm and peaceful state. She used her awful last days as a way to climb levels of consciousness and reach an enlightened state. In this way, her life was a victory.

As a human, there is a tragedy that she is gone. But Thank God for the time together.

Wow. What an adjustment living after the loss of Melanie Henning, my wife. While I was preparing for it in a way, I could not prepare for the guttaral shock of it. This part is actually much worse than I thought it would be. I supposed I was concentrating on mel and her situation , so I put out of my mind the precipice I was racing towards. Its a hell of a fall.

It is like half of my heart has been literally ripped from my body. The warm and bubbly house is quiet and cold. And the voice that was like my conscience has disappeared. But I am trying to maintain all the areas where she was helping me, and where I knew she was right. I must continue putting effort into, even if she is not here. Then a major part of her really lives on.

I think that is one of the things that most amazed us, is how much we helped each other. we were quite different, and fought a lot at the start (two headstong people) but both were determined to make it work. And it did. We helped each other find and grow in their weak areas. When I look at where she was mentally and spiritually at the end, i am pretty much in awe.

What I only really realised this week, now that she has gone, is the happiness that she brought me. If you look at the picture below, I always have this goofy smile with her. She just gave me what I needed, and I was full. And it has just disappeared.

I am at my lowest now. I will lay low a while, regain my strength, and then venture forth again. She would not want to see me in misery for the rest of my days. But I have to laugh, one of the last things she said to me was: “I hope that you really miss me”. Well, I am sure she now knows how incredibly deeply I miss her. Last night I wrote this poem about it:

On my broken knees

Since Mel passed away, I have physically collapsed in a way. For the last 3-4 months, I slept 2-3 hours a day, and was constantly under stress but kep going because it was so important for me to be there for here, and do what I could for her. As she left us, my strength just fell and my immune system crashed, and I literally had 5 different physical ailments. It was always going to bea sad and hard week, but being physically awful didnt help.

It is slowly getting better. It is all part of a process. Devastation, then letting out all the pain, anger, sorrow and dissappointment, and then slowly rebuilding. Making it through the day is the first phase, and that I can do, but being able to smile at the day is going to take a lot longer. Because the partner I had in Melanie was the partner I needed. She helped me in all the areas where I was weak. I can only hope that what she taught me and showed me, stays with me and does not fade away.

But God I miss her. How can I not miss this gorgeous lady adored me? Funny, one of her last sentences to me was: “I hope that you really do miss me.” Baby, you have no idea. I dont know where to start describing how much I miss you, and how many things. For while love does not die, when one partner leaves this world, the companionship is ended.

That infectious natural laugh and happiness. That lovely body snuggled next to mine in the morning. Sharing the shower. My food warm and ready when I came home. Talking to you through the day when I needed a fresh breeze. You bringing fresh fruit juice to work when you knew I needed a boost. Walking the dogs with you. Going out to eat with you. Just being with you.

A friend was visiting the other night, and raised a point. To answer him, I said that I had wanted to say it already but held back because it sounded corny. This really is the ultimate test of my faith and beliefs. Is my spiritual understanding deep enough to enable me to see this from a viewpoint where it is not tragic and unfair? Am I spiritually developed enough to find the source of strength to heal and recover and be strong and productive and warm? Am I wise enough to accept what happened?

I am not yet, but dealing with this series of events will make me so. It is almost her parting test to me – leaving me in the most extreme set of circumstances that can possibly face a young man, where dealing with it is a developmental experience.

I say it is the most extreme, because there is nothing worse than losing your young wife when you were completely in love and committed to living your lives together.