free thinking

I realised that a lot of people don’t know much about how we ended up in the situation we were, and how in a way it was very sudden. From December 2008 we knew were were in a very serious situation, but the discovery in December was quite a shock to everyone.

In January 2008 Mel was diagnosed with cervical cancer which was quite a blow. She had been experiencing some strange symptoms and bad pain, but we did not expect that. She had a hysterectomy in March 2008 and radiation and chemotherapy, and seemed to bounce back amazingly well. She spend a period recovering and then got on with life. In September and October she went for check-ups that seemed fine, and her only complaint was abdominal pain, which steadily got worse, mainly at nights. But it was thought to be a side effect from the radiation. I remember waking up one night with her writhing in pain and getting worried.

Apart from that, she was at full strength again, and our relationship had matured. We had so much fun together, and her sparkling presence will always be missed by me. We really were building a lovely life together. Look below at the photo I took on a sunset by the beach one day, to me it is the perfect person, exactly what I needed.

Her stomach had been getting worse and worse until we eventually took her in to hospital in December for bowel surgery, as we thought scarring had caused a bowel obstruction. When they opened her up , there was cancer everywhere. It shocked everyone. From then on, she didn’t have much chance.

It really took us by suprise. She had bought a cycling computer like mine and was very enthusiastic to clock up lots of kilos, but it only registered 40 kms before she was cut down. I bought her a new helmet that she loved. She wore it to one race, came second and got a silver, and at the next race withdrew because her stomach hurt. She never wore it again.

We had all kinds of plans, about holidays and marriage and kids and careers, and they were suddenly dashed to bits. At all times we operated under the plan that she was going to make it, only giving up right at the end. Still sad to me that we bought nice linen for our marriage that she hardly slept in, she chose a tent that she never camped in, etc. She was denied all the simple things she wanted that brought her such joy.

Looking back at the pictures now, I can see how since that day in December, she had a kind of seriousness about her, a sadness that was inside her as she slipped out of this world. The photo below is one of the last I took of her, on our honeymoon. She is so lovely, but you can see in her eyes and behind her expression that she knew what path she was travelling.

I often wonder what I would change if I could go back to December, if I had know that when we got married it would not even last 100 days. If on honeymoon I should have just lain next to her and gazed at her. But then I realised that I would have just been prolonging the death and parting experience. We did the opposite, we extended the life experience as long as we could, because we had so much joy out of being a couple together.

After the honeymoon, complication after complication arose. Each time we chose to fight, and each time she had a horrible procedure with dire consequences, and each time there was another nasty surprise until there was nothing she could do anymore but give in. She stopped eating and a week later was gone. In that week I spent almost every minute by her side, and was holding her in my arms as she drew her last breath. We were both hopeful that if it ended, it would be in that close and loving manner. By then, we were both praying for her release. And then she was free, and now our memory is not of those last days but of a life filled with joy and happiness.

I have always been positive, but always had a kind of sadness from never having had soul companionship. I truly had that with Mel, and it is devastating that she left us. Now the lonesome feeling is back, but there is one change.

She came into my life and loved me fully, and this let me love myself properly, and love others. This is a great gift we gave each other, and I will try to never lose it.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 21st, 2009 at 9:33 pm and is filed under Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.