free thinking

I have read before, that in the grief process, it is common that the first time you experience something without the other person, it often hits you afresh. This is true.

This weekend I was in Hermanus, and trying to remember exactly when I was there last, and what we had done. Then I took my pack of dogs for a walk, and we went down the dirt road by the sea. I went around the corner, and when I saw the scene I remembered it like it was yesterday. Mel had been getting into her mountain biking, and we had both bikes there and were riding there for her to practice. She liked it because it was not too step, so suitable terrain. We were riding and talking, having so much fun, just enjoying our lives together. It is almost inconceivable that the next time I am there, I am alone, and she has left this world as her body gave in. Not even a year ago, she was the picture of health and happiness.

It is hard to accept, but at least looking back on that memory, it reminds me of the good and full life that we had. Like she once mentioned, every time we went away somewhere together, we had a great time. It was never a disappointment, because we had the company of each other.

She started getting me to go to spinning classes, which was never really my thing, preferring the mountains. But I started enjoying it too. Today I went, and it was the first time since she left us. I sat by chance on the same bike, and looked next to me where she always sat, and could almost picture her there, bobbing as she pedalled at high speed. She would always flash me the hugest grin when I looked at her, and she just LOVED it when we went together. She was simple like that, just wanting to spend time together doing something fun. When I arrived there would be a bottle of water and bottle of sports drink ready in the bike, and the bike size settings would be set to what I need, and my riding shoes there. Afterwards she would give me a lift back to the office. All these small things she did to make my world as wonderful as she could. When I looked at that empty bike today, all of this flashed through my head, and out of nowhere, on a normal day, I suddenly choked on grief, and had to hide my head in my armpit as the tears flowed. Something as simple as a spinning class made the grief feel fresh again as I was confronted with it unexpectedly.

It is such a strange process to go through. One the one hand it is the most tragic, unbearable, painful, awful loss, that it seems impossible to recover from. On the other hand, it has happened. It is over. No amount of anything is going go change that. So, it is about coping with it, dealing with it, and living your life still. As always, we have to make the best of everything.

I am going to share the little bit I have composed and added to the front of my daily prayer:

Lord, give me the understanding and acceptance of the untimely death of my lovely wife Melanie Henning
Let me somehow still be filled with peace, love and happiness
Let strength and healing flow through me and help me to recover from this awful loss

I can only hope it does. It will, I know that.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 14th, 2009 at 11:43 pm and is filed under Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.