free thinking

I realised that a lot of people don’t know much about how we ended up in the situation we were, and how in a way it was very sudden. From December 2008 we knew were were in a very serious situation, but the discovery in December was quite a shock to everyone.

In January 2008 Mel was diagnosed with cervical cancer which was quite a blow. She had been experiencing some strange symptoms and bad pain, but we did not expect that. She had a hysterectomy in March 2008 and radiation and chemotherapy, and seemed to bounce back amazingly well. She spend a period recovering and then got on with life. In September and October she went for check-ups that seemed fine, and her only complaint was abdominal pain, which steadily got worse, mainly at nights. But it was thought to be a side effect from the radiation. I remember waking up one night with her writhing in pain and getting worried.

Apart from that, she was at full strength again, and our relationship had matured. We had so much fun together, and her sparkling presence will always be missed by me. We really were building a lovely life together. Look below at the photo I took on a sunset by the beach one day, to me it is the perfect person, exactly what I needed.

Her stomach had been getting worse and worse until we eventually took her in to hospital in December for bowel surgery, as we thought scarring had caused a bowel obstruction. When they opened her up , there was cancer everywhere. It shocked everyone. From then on, she didn’t have much chance.

It really took us by suprise. She had bought a cycling computer like mine and was very enthusiastic to clock up lots of kilos, but it only registered 40 kms before she was cut down. I bought her a new helmet that she loved. She wore it to one race, came second and got a silver, and at the next race withdrew because her stomach hurt. She never wore it again.

We had all kinds of plans, about holidays and marriage and kids and careers, and they were suddenly dashed to bits. At all times we operated under the plan that she was going to make it, only giving up right at the end. Still sad to me that we bought nice linen for our marriage that she hardly slept in, she chose a tent that she never camped in, etc. She was denied all the simple things she wanted that brought her such joy.

Looking back at the pictures now, I can see how since that day in December, she had a kind of seriousness about her, a sadness that was inside her as she slipped out of this world. The photo below is one of the last I took of her, on our honeymoon. She is so lovely, but you can see in her eyes and behind her expression that she knew what path she was travelling.

I often wonder what I would change if I could go back to December, if I had know that when we got married it would not even last 100 days. If on honeymoon I should have just lain next to her and gazed at her. But then I realised that I would have just been prolonging the death and parting experience. We did the opposite, we extended the life experience as long as we could, because we had so much joy out of being a couple together.

After the honeymoon, complication after complication arose. Each time we chose to fight, and each time she had a horrible procedure with dire consequences, and each time there was another nasty surprise until there was nothing she could do anymore but give in. She stopped eating and a week later was gone. In that week I spent almost every minute by her side, and was holding her in my arms as she drew her last breath. We were both hopeful that if it ended, it would be in that close and loving manner. By then, we were both praying for her release. And then she was free, and now our memory is not of those last days but of a life filled with joy and happiness.

I have always been positive, but always had a kind of sadness from never having had soul companionship. I truly had that with Mel, and it is devastating that she left us. Now the lonesome feeling is back, but there is one change.

She came into my life and loved me fully, and this let me love myself properly, and love others. This is a great gift we gave each other, and I will try to never lose it.

I have read before, that in the grief process, it is common that the first time you experience something without the other person, it often hits you afresh. This is true.

This weekend I was in Hermanus, and trying to remember exactly when I was there last, and what we had done. Then I took my pack of dogs for a walk, and we went down the dirt road by the sea. I went around the corner, and when I saw the scene I remembered it like it was yesterday. Mel had been getting into her mountain biking, and we had both bikes there and were riding there for her to practice. She liked it because it was not too step, so suitable terrain. We were riding and talking, having so much fun, just enjoying our lives together. It is almost inconceivable that the next time I am there, I am alone, and she has left this world as her body gave in. Not even a year ago, she was the picture of health and happiness.

It is hard to accept, but at least looking back on that memory, it reminds me of the good and full life that we had. Like she once mentioned, every time we went away somewhere together, we had a great time. It was never a disappointment, because we had the company of each other.

She started getting me to go to spinning classes, which was never really my thing, preferring the mountains. But I started enjoying it too. Today I went, and it was the first time since she left us. I sat by chance on the same bike, and looked next to me where she always sat, and could almost picture her there, bobbing as she pedalled at high speed. She would always flash me the hugest grin when I looked at her, and she just LOVED it when we went together. She was simple like that, just wanting to spend time together doing something fun. When I arrived there would be a bottle of water and bottle of sports drink ready in the bike, and the bike size settings would be set to what I need, and my riding shoes there. Afterwards she would give me a lift back to the office. All these small things she did to make my world as wonderful as she could. When I looked at that empty bike today, all of this flashed through my head, and out of nowhere, on a normal day, I suddenly choked on grief, and had to hide my head in my armpit as the tears flowed. Something as simple as a spinning class made the grief feel fresh again as I was confronted with it unexpectedly.

It is such a strange process to go through. One the one hand it is the most tragic, unbearable, painful, awful loss, that it seems impossible to recover from. On the other hand, it has happened. It is over. No amount of anything is going go change that. So, it is about coping with it, dealing with it, and living your life still. As always, we have to make the best of everything.

I am going to share the little bit I have composed and added to the front of my daily prayer:

Lord, give me the understanding and acceptance of the untimely death of my lovely wife Melanie Henning
Let me somehow still be filled with peace, love and happiness
Let strength and healing flow through me and help me to recover from this awful loss

I can only hope it does. It will, I know that.

A while ago, I sorted through pictures of my life together with Mel, to make an album of her life. I came across these little bits of video footage that I had taken with my photo camera, I did not even know I had them. You can imagine how moving it was for me when I saw these little clipls, seeing her so fresh and alive, and so in love with me.

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE VIDEO

Now when I look at this, it is less painful than a month or so ago. It is a reminder of what a beautiful woman she was, so full of life and joy. Of how refined she was, yet still active and adventurous. She almost seems to have more life and energy in her than the normal person.

This day was a fun day in the canopies of the forest, an expedition she had wanted to do, and it was great fun. We did it as part of a country road trip we did together in December 2007, a trip that we really enjoyed and brought us closer together. At that time we had just learned that there was something wrong with her health, but did not yet know more than that she was going to have an investigative procedure when we returned home. Little did we know what lay ahead of us.

But as humans, we never do. That is why it is so important to make the most of every day, which I feel that we did. This helps give me peace. We have no regrets of things left unsaid or love never expressed. We did everything we could to fight the sickness and its potential outcome, but we could not change fate. It drew to its conclusion and she was taken from this mortal life. For her, she still exists with the same spirit and awareness. For us, her death is such a final and irreversible thing that we have no choice but to deal with it. The only way to go on is to heal, and enjoy life again. Because while it can have moments of the most utter tragedy and pain, this Life is truly a blessing, a chance to experience the Divine. And this experience should not be spoiled because we can not bear, and slowly put down, the hurt that we carry. It does not diminish our love for them, or their meaning in our lives, if we are able to find meaning and happiness in our lives again after they leave us. In fact, that is our obligation.