free thinking

Wow. What an adjustment living after the loss of Melanie Henning, my wife. While I was preparing for it in a way, I could not prepare for the guttaral shock of it. This part is actually much worse than I thought it would be. I supposed I was concentrating on mel and her situation , so I put out of my mind the precipice I was racing towards. Its a hell of a fall.

It is like half of my heart has been literally ripped from my body. The warm and bubbly house is quiet and cold. And the voice that was like my conscience has disappeared. But I am trying to maintain all the areas where she was helping me, and where I knew she was right. I must continue putting effort into, even if she is not here. Then a major part of her really lives on.

I think that is one of the things that most amazed us, is how much we helped each other. we were quite different, and fought a lot at the start (two headstong people) but both were determined to make it work. And it did. We helped each other find and grow in their weak areas. When I look at where she was mentally and spiritually at the end, i am pretty much in awe.

What I only really realised this week, now that she has gone, is the happiness that she brought me. If you look at the picture below, I always have this goofy smile with her. She just gave me what I needed, and I was full. And it has just disappeared.

I am at my lowest now. I will lay low a while, regain my strength, and then venture forth again. She would not want to see me in misery for the rest of my days. But I have to laugh, one of the last things she said to me was: “I hope that you really miss me”. Well, I am sure she now knows how incredibly deeply I miss her. Last night I wrote this poem about it:

On my broken knees

Since Mel passed away, I have physically collapsed in a way. For the last 3-4 months, I slept 2-3 hours a day, and was constantly under stress but kep going because it was so important for me to be there for here, and do what I could for her. As she left us, my strength just fell and my immune system crashed, and I literally had 5 different physical ailments. It was always going to bea sad and hard week, but being physically awful didnt help.

It is slowly getting better. It is all part of a process. Devastation, then letting out all the pain, anger, sorrow and dissappointment, and then slowly rebuilding. Making it through the day is the first phase, and that I can do, but being able to smile at the day is going to take a lot longer. Because the partner I had in Melanie was the partner I needed. She helped me in all the areas where I was weak. I can only hope that what she taught me and showed me, stays with me and does not fade away.

But God I miss her. How can I not miss this gorgeous lady adored me? Funny, one of her last sentences to me was: “I hope that you really do miss me.” Baby, you have no idea. I dont know where to start describing how much I miss you, and how many things. For while love does not die, when one partner leaves this world, the companionship is ended.

That infectious natural laugh and happiness. That lovely body snuggled next to mine in the morning. Sharing the shower. My food warm and ready when I came home. Talking to you through the day when I needed a fresh breeze. You bringing fresh fruit juice to work when you knew I needed a boost. Walking the dogs with you. Going out to eat with you. Just being with you.

A friend was visiting the other night, and raised a point. To answer him, I said that I had wanted to say it already but held back because it sounded corny. This really is the ultimate test of my faith and beliefs. Is my spiritual understanding deep enough to enable me to see this from a viewpoint where it is not tragic and unfair? Am I spiritually developed enough to find the source of strength to heal and recover and be strong and productive and warm? Am I wise enough to accept what happened?

I am not yet, but dealing with this series of events will make me so. It is almost her parting test to me – leaving me in the most extreme set of circumstances that can possibly face a young man, where dealing with it is a developmental experience.

I say it is the most extreme, because there is nothing worse than losing your young wife when you were completely in love and committed to living your lives together.

My wife passed away on the 15th of May 2009. She was the most amazing woman, and maybe it is only sinking into me now how blessed I was to have her in my life.

I have written about her for the service, and I can’t improve on what I wrote about her there, so you can read it at this link:

Link to Melanie Henning Tribute

This particular posting is about me dealing with it, and there will probably be many more of these postings.

On one hand, there is a kind of relief. The stress and sense of impending doom has passed, because the worst has already come to pass. My worst nightmare has come true, she has left this world, so there is nothing more to fear. And the stress of doing whatever I could to help her, with such enormous stakes, has disappeared.

But waking up to life without her, is quite a shocking experience. I was so focussed on her predicament, and trying to help her, that I was not really preparing for this. For the last two years, she has been a huge part of my life, the biggest part of it. Even while she was ill, she was still there, and still connected to my heart and soul. And now she has simply evaporated away. There is a huge gaping hole in my heart, soul, life and home. I know that over time it will heal and fill, but at the moment… there is a freezing wind blowing through me.

I mean, look at the photo below, that is taken on our wedding day, only 3 months ago. Such a lovely woman. There is an unavoidable truth here… it is going to take me years to recover from this awful loss.

I miss you baby.

That was one of the last things that she said to me, “I hope that you really do miss me.” I just laughed and told her that she had no idea how much I would miss her.

It has been very touching to see how devastated people are at her passing away, even people from Germany who have not seen her for years. There is even a tribute page to her here , and Tommy made a group on the German equivalent on Facebook “In Memory of Mel Dobson” that has hundreds of members.

I have also appreciated being contacted by so many people sharing their thoughts and memories with me.

The only things that help me, are knowing that I could not have done any more to help her, and knowing that I brought her happiness and love. These were my gifts to this bright angel, who shone into my heart and transformed. God alone will only know why she had to be taken.

Is it just me, or is the world in a state of even more chaos now than normally? Simmering tensions in the Middle East have boiled over into extreme violence. One looses track of all the Asian and African countries where brutality towards other humans is showing its savage face again. As for the world economy… what can you say? Every day the papers paint a picture of a hole that is getting darker and deeper, and is going to take us longer to climb out of. When tens of millions of people are losing their jobs, that is pretty rough and is bound to have an impact. When the underlying cause of their distress is utter greed, you wonder if there will be a change in the fundamentals of a warped economic system that accumulates wealth in the hands of a few, at the expense of many. Sometime this must change, maybe not know. Maybe the Mayans were right and we will self destruct until 2012 when its all over.

But to tell the truth, I am hardly noticing any of this at the present. At the present I am absolutely consumed by the struggle for life by my loved one. It must be the most profound experience on the planet, when you are faced with leaving it, and this profound experience affects all those who are close to the person.

I can’t even attempt to find the words to describe what it feels like when you look into the face of the woman that is to be your wife, and all you see is suffering. Where instead of the usual lively spark in the eyes, there is just an impassioned please for help, and you are completely helpless. You feel so impotent. Any words of comfort or support that you try to muster sound lame and weak as they come out of your mouth. I wish I could share her burden of fear and worry and doubt and pain, but I can’t. It is hers. All I can do is try to support her as she carries her burden.

It comes down to a deep test of your beliefs. Is it possible to find the mental and spiritual strength to work a miracle in the physical body? I believe that it is possible, but it requires utter conviction and full faith. How do you help someone to stay positive when they have been wrapped up in different kinds of pain every day for 3 months?

Ultimately, it comes down to having faith that whatever is happening in your life is part of your plan, and that you are there because it where you should be. Believing that you have the power within you to deal with any situation. Having no doubt that spirit is stronger than body.

It all comes down to one thing. You have been given a Life, and it is the greatest treasure in this Universe. You have been given a body and an intellect as your tools to use in this Life. Driving this is your Will, and your Spirit is Master of it all. The challenge is to work on yourself, and your character, so that your Spirit and vision guide all that you do. When you develop your will, and you know what you want to achieve, literally nothing can stand in your way.

This is not just wishy-washy rainbows and stars thinking. If you follow modern physics, you will be aware that they are gradually realizing the effect that mind has on physical reality. This is more straightforward than it seems at first. We all know that matter is comprised of atoms. If you delve into an atom, the atomic particles are not the little billiard balls like in our school books, but are swirling vortexes of energy. Nothing is being swirled by energy and making something. And what drives that motion, that energy? Mind, or intellect. So the Universe is actually comprised of thoughts (the thoughts of God actually). When we develop our Wills into a powerful force, we become a powerful centre of the Universe, and can have a profound effect on the universe around us. That is why I am always slightly upset with myself for not spending more time on practices like Yoga and meditation, that will develop me further in this respect.

The “nothing” that swirls into motion and matter is not a blank nothing, it is the universe in a state of potential, ready to take shape, pregnant with possibility. This also applies exactly to your life.

If you look at the photo of the flower (which I took on a wet wild morning) the beauty of the flower is made more striking by the fact that it is about to bloom, the promise of new life radiating from the flower. That same promise radiates from your life, from your spirit, from every day of yours.

Now the question is, what are you going to do about it? If you know that there are no limits on what you can achieve, what are you going to strive for? What motivates you? We each need to find an area where our skills and attributes and character allow us to make a positive difference to the world around us, no matter how small the scale.

If everyone has this mindset, there will be substantial change. Once there are more of “us” and less of “them”, there will be less need to point fingers at people for the same old narrow-minded greed and stupidity that has seen humans, since the start of time, plunder other nations, races, and the planet itself, to try and amass their personal wealth or for their low level enjoyment. We must hold each person accountable to be accountable to themselves, to be pride that their actions for the day were the actions of a good, sincere, caring being. Because how can you defend not caring about others, or about the planet? It is not defensible.

When facing this challenge, remember that we are literally the products of our habits. Some things give temporary pleasure, but the consequences add up. Chocolate is very sweet, but too much will make you fat. A cold beer sure goes down good, but beer every day will dull your mind. We need to make our daily decisions with a longer term goal in mind. Not about what we feel like now, but about what will make us a better person, what will be a healthy way to live today, and what actions will be the best for all