Tonight I was alone and left to my own devices, and I took a walk under the moon along the sea shore. I found the exact set of rock pools where as a 9 year old I first donned a cheap set of snorkeling gear and put my head underwater and discovered a new world that would never stop fascinating me. I remembered sitting as a little geeky bookworm with huge tomes from Jacques Costeau on their detailed studies of whales, and octopus, and other mysterious creatures. It was quite poignant to be here today, on the eve of my dive tomorrow, to have come full circle. Tomorrow is quite a special dive. A few months ago, I was sitting the one night at home and looking at some underwater photos that I had taken, and been thankful that I had dived with almost all of the creatures that I had a longing to dive with. Whale sharks, dolphins, seals, whales, turtles, moray eels, coral reefs, lionfish, you name it. Everything except for big sharks, and I really wanted to dive with them. The very next day I went to work and a colleague came to me and said that she had won a prize that she didn’t want, and maybe I would want it. The prize was to go diving with a Marine Biologist in a shark reserve. Without a cage. Talk about shaping your future, so clearly and quickly. And now after months of trying to find a suitable date, here I am.

It was a reflective moment, under the sky and moon and clouds and stars sitting by the rock pool where I had walked as an innocent and awakening youngster. I figured that if that kid then who was so excited splashing about in rock pools with the sea life that inhabits them, would know that he would grow up and go diving in all of the best places in the world with the best gear, he would be pretty chuffed. It prompted an overview of my life. Firstly, looking at my childhood and family life, I realise now how lucky I was. My mother and father were exactly how a mother and father should be, and my brother and I were very fortunate in the childhood that we had. There were no difficult or awful issues, and that solid and simple base provided a foundation for our lives that will always give us strength. Walking on the quiet streets, I marveled at how tiny the town was, but as a child it had provided everything that we needed for a marvelous coastal holiday, and this just put into perspective for me how we really do not need to have a lot to have everything that we need. I live a life where I am often exposed to luxurious surroundings, but often we can find all we need in the very basics.

I looked also at my life as a 34 year old, and wondered how the 9 year old would have viewed it. I felt how, more than ever, that my life was perfectly poised to develop into what I have dreamed of it. I am fit and healthy and getting into better shape physically and mentally. At the end of next year I will be a CA, MBA, CFA and CFP, which is a combination that is dreadful to acquire and I have never heard of someone who has that set of qualifications, which will truly arm me with an armory of skills. My career has been developing and expanding at a rapid rate and is accelerating. I have given and received love and still do; something that eluded me for many years. I absolutely love mountain biking and am really getting the hang of it, and have a wide array of sports and hobbies that I enjoy and can do the basics of: golf, bodyboarding, squash, hiking, trail running, gym, swimming, etc. Yoga is my solace and stabilizer and going into meditation provides me with all the guidance and resolve that I need to do what it is that I need to do. While what I have achieved is still fairly modest, they are steps along a path and the grand plans that I have still seem realistic, and my life is moving towards that goal. And while it is being neglected currently due to limited time, I have artistic endeavours to satisfy my soul: writing, photography, and making music.

So, even with all the hardships along the way, I am living the life I have planned and, slowly but surely, am developing into the human being that I envision being.
With the hectic pace of my life, I never get time to pause and take a time out, so these few hours walking down the beach at night in a coastal town that shuts down at 8pm, were invaluable to me.

Now I am ready for the sharks tomorrow

So today is the next day. I completed my dive a few hours before and am in the plane one the way home to Cape Town. On the way to the airport I remembered that you are supposed to wait at least 24 hours between scuba diving and flying, and I drove straight from the boat to the plane, with me and my gear still a bit wet. During the ascent of the flight I felt pretty weird, especially my eardrums. But I seem to be OK now.
The conditions were rough for the dive. At the launch, the boat before us tried for half an hour to get out of the bay but gave up. Fortunately the Blue Wilderness skipper was really experienced and we got out quickly, although it was a rough ride which I felt in my kidneys every time I smacked back down to the rubber duck. When we reached the spot they started chucking bits of sardines into the water, and immediately the sharks came.

Unfortunately it was 2 degrees too cold for the big tiger sharks, but even the black tip and dusky sharks provided for an unforgettable experience. I was fortunate to be close to lions very recently, and now being close to sharks was another experience that will always be in my memory. The sharks are a magnificent piece of engineering and it was a true privilege to be in amongst them and witness it from close, in their natural environment. you can sense their cold intelligence. I mean, look at this thing!

And I got a good view. Like the guide said, I must have got some good photos because I was right in the thick of it. Once I got more comfortable I swam right into the “feeding frenzy” and snapped away. And almost got my arm snapped off when I could not resist and tried to touch a passing shark. Main rule is keep your limbs together, and I stretched out to hold one shark and another darted in.

It really was a dream come true, and now I am highly enthusiastic to dive with more sharks. It has also reinvigorated my love for sea life, and made me remember how important it is to conserve the magic of sea life and all natural biodiversity. The scale of overfishing is shocking, and it is a sobering thought to think that mankind is emptying the teeming seas. We all need to do our bit to stop this. It would be a tragic loss of incalcubale proportions.

Click here to see the pictures – enjoy. Damn, there are some crackers because I got so close!

Some of the speaking was fine. I spoke about how while the pain may be less over time, I am very pleased to know that the love is no less. It is just as it always was. And while the memories of the daily routines will become vague over time, her presence is no less bright for me.

I did two things that were significant for me. I read from the spiritual teachings that have held and comforted me through all of this:

“This, therefore, is the Truth. As from fire well lighted, fiery sparks flow off in
all directions by the thousand, so do all beings come out from the ever
Immutable, and are resolved also into the same.”

“To those who have acquired that sense of consciousness of the illusion of death,
these frightful emotions of grief and terror at death have faded away. To them,
while they naturally feel the sorrow of temporary separation and the loss of
companionship, the loved one is seen to have simply passed on to another phase
of life, and nothing has been lost – nothing has perished.”

I played the videos I had made of her. I did this because a picture speaks a million words, and I thought that these videos effortlessly described her and the woman that she was. What I didn’t do, was speak myself about how she was, and that is probably what is fitting for her memorial.

What an amazing woman that she was. One of the most frequent comments that people make to me, is that they have never met anyone so full of life as what Mel was. It was pouring out of her. Even though she had been through some very difficult experiences in her life, she had this joyful appreciation of life that pervaded everything that she did and was the backbone of her character. When I met her, she was a tornado that came into my life, bright and passionate and uncompromising. In our time together, we grew together and as people at an astonishing rate. Look how natural and assured and confident she is as a young woman in the picture below, snapped in my garage on our way to a function. She had really found herself.

Her passing has made a huge impact on the lives of all who knew her. I can see this from the way that people speak to me, and from the traffic I get on the website. Everyone is touched by her life and her passing, and none more so than me.

In a way, I have gotten to know her even better since she left. Hearing all the old stories, seeing old pictures, and mostly just reflecting on how she was, and how we were. And how special she was, and how special we were.

I had not been keen on getting involved deeply in relationships, but with Mel I realised that apart from her being physically gorgeous and great company, there was something else. There was pure spirit in her that was brightly alive and full of love and determination to live this life as best she could. I realised that if these spirits got together, our differences would be set aside and we would truly join. And wow, that is just what happened. Those who knew us, knew how exceptionally close we were, every step of the way.

I will always hurt that we could not explore to the end, the potential of what we had started. But I will always take solace in knowing that we joined completely, to the deepest level. There are small things that niggled me for a while, where I wished I could have done better – averting an argument, coming home earlier, not working a weekend, taking her more often on a romantic date, giving her more time when it turned out to be so short. Yet I know that in the important things, I was there. She knew she was never alone, she had complete support, and I walked her path with her right until the last steps in this life, holding her in my arms as she drew her last breath.

I wish I had time to have given her more, and I knew that she also had so many plans to lavish me with signs of her love. However, I am comforted by the following diary extract that I found in her diary. Before you read it, I should tell you that Mel had a deep passion for ice-cream.

“Living with Jay is like eating ice-cream in Heaven.”

It makes me proud that I could provide her with that kind of experience in our relationship and life together.

God bless you Melimuli, I know that you are causing havoc and laughter wherever you are.

Below are the links to the albums and videos that are up, for those who haven’t seen them yet:

Video Montage of Mel’s Life: CLICK HERE FOR VIDEO OF MELANIE HENNING

Video Clip in the Trees: RIGHT CLICK HERE AND “SAVE TARGET” TO WATCH VIDEO

Photos of Mel’s Life: Click for album of Mel

Photos of Wedding: Click for our wedding

Photos of Honeymoon: Click for our honeymoon

Speech at Memorial Service: Speech

Card at Memorial Service: Card

Poem of her Loss: Poem – Broken

A while ago, I sorted through pictures of my life together with Mel, to make that album of Mel. I came across these little bits of video footage that I had taken with my photo camera, I did not even know I had them at the time. It is lovely to see her so fresh and alive.

RIGHT CLICK HERE AND “SAVE TARGET” TO WATCH VIDEO

It is a reminder of what a beautiful woman she was, so full of life and joy. Of how refined she was, yet still active and adventurous. She almost seems to have more life and energy in her than the normal person. That is how it always seemed, and maybe that is part of why it burned away so fast.

This day was a fun day in the canopies of the forest, an expedition she had wanted to do, and it was great fun. We did it as part of a country road trip we did together in December 2007, a trip that we really enjoyed and brought us closer together. At that time we had just learned that there was something wrong with her health, but did not yet know more than that she was going to have an investigative procedure when we returned home. We had a slight worry but were still in a state of innocence regarding the severity of it. Little did we know what lay ahead of us.

But as humans, we never do. That is why it is so important to make the most of every day, which I feel that we did. This helps give me peace. We have no regrets of things left unsaid or love never expressed. We did everything we could to fight the sickness and its potential outcome, but we could not change fate. It drew to its conclusion and she was taken from this mortal life. For her, she still exists with the same spirit and awareness. For us, her death is such a final and irreversible thing that we have no choice but to deal with it. The only way to go on is to heal, and enjoy life again. Because while it can have moments of the most utter tragedy and pain, this Life is truly a blessing, a chance to experience the Divine. And this experience should not be spoiled because we can not bear, and slowly put down, the hurt that we carry. It does not diminish our love for them, or their meaning in our lives, if we are able to find meaning and happiness in our lives again after they leave us. In fact, that is our obligation.

if i look at it objectively, i am healthy and strong and still young (enough). i live in the best city in the world, i have a good job with lots of potential, and am surrounded by family and friends. i have outdoor and other pursuits that i thrive on – mountain biking, bodyboarding, trail running, golf, yoga, swimming, that help me develop and strengthen myself. i have artistics passions like writing, photography and music that help me to explore and express myself. but, people who get close to me know that inside i am still in pieces and not ready to be close to someone. even if i wanted to be.

today i had to go to the hospital where mel and i spent so many days, for a physical and fitness test (by the way – very fit and the most flexible man they had ever tested there, go yoga). while there, i walked into acacia ward which had been her hard home for long stretches. just walking down that corridor, those overwhelming feelings poured over me again. the enormous concern, care, compassion, worry and most importantly, love, that filled me and tore me in every direction for so long, getting more and more extreme until everything just exploded and collapsed and she drew her last breath while i held her in my arms.

there was a feeling it touched in me, that reminded me of an expression on mel’s face once, in the summer at the end of 2007 when we went on holiday. we knew that when we got back we had to go to the gynae, that something was wrong, but we had no idea yet what it was. but she was worried, it was on her mind, and you could see it in this picture.

of course, mel was not someone to stay morbid for long. the next morning was sunny and we went for a walk up the mountain, and look how lovely and natural she looked up there. it was interesting, as this holiday was a year into our relationship, and i was wondering how she would enjoy it out with me in nature. she loved it, i loved it, and it brought us closer. she also gave me a present for that christmas, a light-hearted book about love, that she had put pictures of us into and scribbled on her own narrations and captions. i remember it stunned me to realise how much she loved me at that stage already, i almost didn’t feel deserving of it. the next year, she was in hospital and i brought her the same book, updated with pictures of mine and my own captions. we had grown together, and my love was as full and fierce as hers.

there was never a dull moment with her around. the photo below a few minutes later is a good example of that. i always have a stupid grin on my face in photos with her, but can you blame me? she knew how to serve up absurdity when it mattered most.

yo know, it is normal to go back over things in your mind, and wonder if you could have done it differently, better. given more strength, more support, connected more closely. i received a lot of mails from people around the world, about mel and her life and her passing, and the impact on them. i received quite a special one lately, where the lady said: ” you have done the most beautiful thing I have ever seen one human being do for another “. that warmed my heart, and reminded me that the bits that weren’t perfect were 2-3 % and the overwhelming majority was very perfect. all i did for mel was what she did for me – we accepted and loved each other and did everything we could for them until fate split us on this planet, taking one and leaving one.

and that is a very profound experience to have been a part of, and then to continue with your life and live it to the fullest, rebuilding it so that it is complete, yet so very different.

also when meditating after, a lot just fell into place.

i had a vivid insight into the nature of our awareness, our intellect, and that of the nature around us. i had the firmest, deepest understanding i have ever had of what we call “I”, the centre of consciousness that is us. i understood how it comes into this physical world and permeates a physical thing, making it a “being” because it is the intelligence and spark behind it. how it moves on when the physical thing dies, and goes into the pool of consciousness and returns. how the spiral moves upwards.

i understood what it means to evolve, and the yoga teachings became properly clear to me for the first time. this was quite a revelation after more than a decade of study and already being fairly elevated. spiritual growth is not a case of being rewarded for certain practices – such as act well and you become wise or get given spiritual gifts. we are a centre of awareness and intelligence, and evolution or spiritual development is a case of refining the intelligence and becoming more aware. as you become more aware, you become a higher life form. certain practices lift your intelligence and awareness, and certain practices degrade it. all that the yoga teachings are doing, is explaining to us how to lift our state of being to be a more advanced centre.

and this is what a mistake is, when we do something to degrade our awareness. actions that will advance us further, are the right action for us. actions that will bring us down, weigh down our spirits, shutter our minds, are the wrong action. that is how to tell when you are crossing the line.

so now i am exceptionally focussed on that path, by paying attention to every action and word and thought and trying to ensure that it is the best option. then, slowly, what “you” want becomes less important. you, the ego, a collection of experiences and habits and wants and cravings and confusion, might “want” something because it thinks it might bring it happines. but “you”, the soul wanting to unfold and grow, will not want that course of action, but to follow the course that will take it along its path. and every step on the path leads to a higher state of being, a higher form of life.

it puts a lot of things into perspective for me. when you end this life, and review it, you want each soul you encountered to come to you and say “thank you for the role that you played in my life, for supporting my spiritual growth and helping me on my journey”. notice that i did not say “supporting the little things my ego may have wanted”. in that way, you are continuously building good karma.

i was comparing that to other possible reactions, and also got a good handle on exactly why it is bad to take advantage of someone. if someone has a weakness, you stimulate that weakness and effectively encourage it to get your own wants satisfied by that person. you are doing exactly the wrong thing to this person. whoever they are, you should be helping them to outgrow their weakness. think of the damage that you do to their soul, and to yours, by following this path. otherwise, you could look at it and say, hey, each person got what they wanted. on the surface maybe, but not properly.

so this forms a good yardstick by which to measure life.

“om tat sat”
one true existance
ocean of knowledge
bliss absolute

There was a lot of interest in the video of our beautiful Mel. I received some lovely new footage (thanks Adriana) that I really enjoyed seeing, and I know that all of her friends and family would like to see it too. So I included it in the video and made it a bit longer. The new bits are near the end. It is worth downloading the video again to see it. It was filmed at the time I met her, and was quite poignant to watch.

CLICK HERE FOR VIDEO OF MELANIE HENNING

Like before, I recommend right-clicking it and downloading it to watch without any jumping or sticking.

Funny, now that I include the new footage, the video is exactly as long as the backing track. Works nicely.

While I still love Mel as much as ever and always will, the savage pain from her passing is slowly evaporating. There are times when I miss her awfully, and a bit of that will always linger, that is natural.

But most often now, when I think of her, it is with a sense of gratitude and wonder, that this lovely woman came into my life and turned it upside down and helped me grow closer to the man that I want to be. I am honoured that I was able to support her, and help her on her path as she helped me on mine. That gift was a huge sacrifice, but now it is time for me to recover and continue living my life. There is no point in just existing, that is a waste of time on this planet.

And I can still feel the good effects of her love. Having someone so lovely affirm and accept completely who I was, was a gift to me that built me up and will always be with me.

So, I am starting to feel myself again, which is good news indeed. And starting to see life again for the adventure which it is, which is exactly what she would have wanted.

The dark light seeped through the clouds, falling on the scene below. The sea is wild, with waves lashing against a cliff jutting out against the sea. On the face of this cliff is a ledge, and I am chained up against the face. Next to me is Melanie, holding my hand, and unchained. The wind is whipping against us and sea spray is flying around. We both know what is about to happen, and are scared. We look at each other, and then look in front of us. An enormous wave raises out of the ocean, and towers above us. It crashes with enormous power against the cliff face. The violent force of it leaves me stunned and struggling to breathe as it pummels me against the cliff face, held fast by the chains around me. The wave subsides and I start to catch my breath and get my bearings. I raise my dripping head and look next to me. Mel is gone, my grip on her hand was not enough to hold her. She has been taken away from me.

I am in shock, disorientated. The chains have become loose, and I unwrap them from my body. I slowly climb my way up the cliff face, scared of the height and the drop below. I finally get to the ledge and pull myself over it. I stand at the top of the cliff and look out over the sea. The sun breaks through a cloud, and a ray of light comes through, and lights up a bit of orange, that is Mel’s dress, as the current takes her away to another place.

That is the best way I can describe it.

These are the colours of the rainbow. And for the first time the other night, I realised that this is the same sequence of colours in the Chakras.

I was meditating and working up through the different chakras, doing certain practices to strengthen and balance them and prepare for the main part of the meditation, when I suddenly realised this was the same sequence of colours as the rainbow I had seen a few days before.

The answer is simple I suppose.. they are both due to different frequences across a range. Different colours in the rainbow are different frequences of light waves, and different colours in chakras are as the level of vibration of the chakras increase as you go up the body.

For those who dont know much about them, below is a man-on-the-street description of them.

There are seven main points in the body where energy is obvious, these are called Chakras. The Chakra Points, to some degree, determine how you feel. Chakras are like vortices of energy that spin both from the front of our bodies and the back. These energy centres can get blocked and sluggish at times, therefore making certain aspects of our life or physical body feel the same way. They can also spin too fast and become overactive, this in turn can also cause imbalances on various levels. Therefore, what we strive to achieve is a nicely balanced chakra system, so that each centre is working at its optimum level for us to feel healthy and harmonious in all aspects.

Tommy’s Memorial Site

For those of you who can speak German, it is a very touching site. I translated it to read it.

Tommy played quite an important role in Mel’s life.

1) He saw her potential for modelling and “discovered” her, and took the first shots of her.

2) She worked with him in the clothing business, and her confidence grew when she saw proof that she was good at what she was doing.

Thanks for caring Tommy, and everyone else. Remembering her properly, is important.