free thinking

its been a pretty reflective time for me lately. things in my personal life have changed and i am spending a lot of time alone again. naturally, i often go over everything that happened, and process it, and try to get an understanding of my life and my current position.

if i look at it objectively, i am healthy and strong and still young (enough). i live in the best city in the world, i have a good job with lots of potential, and am surrounded by family and friends. i have outdoor and other pursuits that i thrive on – mountain biking, bodyboarding, trail running, golf, yoga, swimming, that help me develop and strengthen myself. i have artistics passions like writing, photography and music that help me to explore and express myself. but, people who get close to me know that inside i am still in pieces and not ready to be close to someone. even if i wanted to be.

today i had to go to the hospital where mel and i spent so many days, for a physical and fitness test (by the way – very fit and the most flexible man they had ever tested there, go yoga). while there, i walked into acacia ward which had been her hard home for long stretches. just walking down that corridor, those overwhelming feelings poured over me again. the enormous concern, care, compassion, worry and most importantly, love, that filled me and tore me in every direction for so long, getting more and more extreme until everything just exploded and collapsed and she drew her last breath while i held her in my arms.

there was a feeling it touched in me, that reminded me of an expression on mel’s face once, in the summer at the end of 2007 when we went on holiday. we knew that when we got back we had to go to the gynae, that something was wrong, but we had no idea yet what it was. but she was worried, it was on her mind, and you could see it in this picture.

of course, mel was not someone to stay morbid for long. the next morning was sunny and we went for a walk up the mountain, and look how lovely and natural she looked up there. it was interesting, as this holiday was a year into our relationship, and i was wondering how she would enjoy it out with me in nature. she loved it, i loved it, and it brought us closer. she also gave me a present for that christmas, a light-hearted book about love, that she had put pictures of us into and scribbled on her own narrations and captions. i remember it stunned me to realise how much she loved me at that stage already, i almost didn’t feel deserving of it. the next year, she was in hospital and i brought her the same book, updated with pictures of mine and my own captions. we had grown together, and my love was as full and fierce as hers.

there was never a dull moment with her around. the photo below a few minutes later is a good example of that. i always have a stupid grin on my face in photos with her, but can you blame me? she knew how to serve up absurdity when it mattered most.

yo know, it is normal to go back over things in your mind, and wonder if you could have done it differently, better. given more strength, more support, connected more closely. i received a lot of mails from people around the world, about mel and her life and her passing, and the impact on them. i received quite a special one lately, where the lady said: ” you have done the most beautiful thing I have ever seen one human being do for another “. that warmed my heart, and reminded me that the bits that weren’t perfect were 2-3 % and the overwhelming majority was very perfect. all i did for mel was what she did for me – we accepted and loved each other and did everything we could for them until fate split us on this planet, taking one and leaving one.

and that is a very profound experience to have been a part of, and then to continue with your life and live it to the fullest, rebuilding it so that it is complete, yet so very different.

I went away this weekend, camped out in the mountains and did yoga out in the grassy field under the starry night sky. it was a deep experience and reminded me again how important it is for me to do yoga, and that i should focus more on it, especially in these times. it really is exactly what i need, it centres and calms and strengthens me. but more importantly, it helps me focus on what i should be doing, how i should be, and helps me to extract and develop the finer parts in me, and move away from the grosser parts.

also when meditating after, a lot just fell into place.

i had a vivid insight into the nature of our awareness, our intellect, and that of the nature around us. i had the firmest, deepest understanding i have ever had of what we call “I”, the centre of consciousness that is us. i understood how it comes into this physical world and permeates a physical thing, making it a “being” because it is the intelligence and spark behind it. how it moves on when the physical thing dies, and goes into the pool of consciousness and returns. how the spiral moves upwards.

i understood what it means to evolve, and the yoga teachings became properly clear to me for the first time. this was quite a revelation after more than a decade of study and already being fairly elevated. spiritual growth is not a case of being rewarded for certain practices – such as act well and you become wise or get given spiritual gifts. we are a centre of awareness and intelligence, and evolution or spiritual development is a case of refining the intelligence and becoming more aware. as you become more aware, you become a higher life form. certain practices lift your intelligence and awareness, and certain practices degrade it. all that the yoga teachings are doing, is explaining to us how to lift our state of being to be a more advanced centre.

and this is what a mistake is, when we do something to degrade our awareness. actions that will advance us further, are the right action for us. actions that will bring us down, weigh down our spirits, shutter our minds, are the wrong action. that is how to tell when you are crossing the line.

so now i am exceptionally focussed on that path, by paying attention to every action and word and thought and trying to ensure that it is the best option. then, slowly, what “you” want becomes less important. you, the ego, a collection of experiences and habits and wants and cravings and confusion, might “want” something because it thinks it might bring it happines. but “you”, the soul wanting to unfold and grow, will not want that course of action, but to follow the course that will take it along its path. and every step on the path leads to a higher state of being, a higher form of life.

it puts a lot of things into perspective for me. when you end this life, and review it, you want each soul you encountered to come to you and say “thank you for the role that you played in my life, for supporting my spiritual growth and helping me on my journey”. notice that i did not say “supporting the little things my ego may have wanted”. in that way, you are continuously building good karma.

i was comparing that to other possible reactions, and also got a good handle on exactly why it is bad to take advantage of someone. if someone has a weakness, you stimulate that weakness and effectively encourage it to get your own wants satisfied by that person. you are doing exactly the wrong thing to this person. whoever they are, you should be helping them to outgrow their weakness. think of the damage that you do to their soul, and to yours, by following this path. otherwise, you could look at it and say, hey, each person got what they wanted. on the surface maybe, but not properly.

so this forms a good yardstick by which to measure life.

“om tat sat”
one true existance
ocean of knowledge
bliss absolute

Hi Everyone,

There was a lot of interest in the video of our beautiful Mel. I received some lovely new footage (thanks Adriana) that I really enjoyed seeing, and I know that all of her friends and family would like to see it too. So I included it in the video and made it a bit longer. The new bits are near the end. It is worth downloading the video again to see it. It was filmed at the time I met her, and was quite poignant to watch.

CLICK HERE FOR VIDEO OF MELANIE HENNING

Like before, I recommend right-clicking it and downloading it to watch without any jumping or sticking.

Funny, now that I include the new footage, the video is exactly as long as the backing track. Works nicely.

Time. They say it is the greatest healer, and it is true.

While I still love Mel as much as ever and always will, the savage pain from her passing is slowly evaporating. There are times when I miss her awfully, and a bit of that will always linger, that is natural.

But most often now, when I think of her, it is with a sense of gratitude and wonder, that this lovely woman came into my life and turned it upside down and helped me grow closer to the man that I want to be. I am honoured that I was able to support her, and help her on her path as she helped me on mine. That gift was a huge sacrifice, but now it is time for me to recover and continue living my life. There is no point in just existing, that is a waste of time on this planet.

And I can still feel the good effects of her love. Having someone so lovely affirm and accept completely who I was, was a gift to me that built me up and will always be with me.

So, I am starting to feel myself again, which is good news indeed. And starting to see life again for the adventure which it is, which is exactly what she would have wanted.

Red, orange, yellow, green,blue, indigo and violet.

These are the colours of the rainbow. And for the first time the other night, I realised that this is the same sequence of colours in the Chakras.

I was meditating and working up through the different chakras, doing certain practices to strengthen and balance them and prepare for the main part of the meditation, when I suddenly realised this was the same sequence of colours as the rainbow I had seen a few days before.

The answer is simple I suppose.. they are both due to different frequences across a range. Different colours in the rainbow are different frequences of light waves, and different colours in chakras are as the level of vibration of the chakras increase as you go up the body.

For those who dont know much about them, below is a man-on-the-street description of them.

There are seven main points in the body where energy is obvious, these are called Chakras. The Chakra Points, to some degree, determine how you feel. Chakras are like vortices of energy that spin both from the front of our bodies and the back. These energy centres can get blocked and sluggish at times, therefore making certain aspects of our life or physical body feel the same way. They can also spin too fast and become overactive, this in turn can also cause imbalances on various levels. Therefore, what we strive to achieve is a nicely balanced chakra system, so that each centre is working at its optimum level for us to feel healthy and harmonious in all aspects.

Tommy has put up a site in German that is a memorial to Melanie. The link is below.

Tommy’s Memorial Site

For those of you who can speak German, it is a very touching site. I translated it to read it.

Tommy played quite an important role in Mel’s life.

1) He saw her potential for modelling and “discovered” her, and took the first shots of her.

2) She worked with him in the clothing business, and her confidence grew when she saw proof that she was good at what she was doing.

Thanks for caring Tommy, and everyone else. Remembering her properly, is important.

I know that Mel’s friends from Germany had not seen her for a while, and some of her new friends here had not seen her modelling work before. So I made a video with the bits and pieces that I had that gives a good view of her life, and the wonderful being that she was.

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE VIDEO OF MELANIE HENNING

I would recommend right-clicking on the link above and then “Save Target As” because it is quite a big file. I didn’t compress it too much, as it is worth having decent quality for this. It is worth downloading.

When I was making it, I was just focussed on the practical aspects of it – converting files into a workable format, getting the file size right etc. When I sat back and watched it full screen, it almost knocked me off my seat. Such a vivid reminder of the vibrant, gorgeous woman that was my wife. While the human being that she was has gone back to dust and ash, the Spirit that made her who she was still lives strong.

I learned some important lessons recently:

– Holding onto the pain of Melanie’s loss is not the same as holding onto Melanie
– Letting go of the pain of her loss is not the same as letting go of my love for her

These might sound self-evident, but it takes a realisation when you have been so deep in grief, that the day starts to come when the memory and love is still bright but the pain is less sharp, and those days are starting to come for me.

I hope you enjoy looking at this video. It makes it difficult to believe that she is permanently gone from this life. To think that her mermaid impersonation was just a few short months ago…

For me, Life has become a profound experience because of what I experienced with her. I have been through the utmost depths and most glorious highs, and in the aftermath it has forced me to review the most fundamental questions and positions in a life – who am I, what do I want, where am I going, am I doing the right thing with my short time here on Earth?

I am comfortable that I am on the right track, developing myself and my understanding, and building a foundation that will stand me in good stead for the rest of my life. I don’t want to waste this human life, especially because I feel that Mel’s life and death, and some other extreme circumstances I have endured, have been partly to shape me for the work I have to do, and it would be awful to let all that sacrifice go to waste. I won’t let that happen.

I realised that a lot of people don’t know much about how we ended up in the situation we were, and how in a way it was very sudden. From December 2008 we knew were were in a very serious situation, but the discovery in December was quite a shock to everyone.

In January 2008 Mel was diagnosed with cervical cancer which was quite a blow. She had been experiencing some strange symptoms and bad pain, but we did not expect that. She had a hysterectomy in March 2008 and radiation and chemotherapy, and seemed to bounce back amazingly well. She spend a period recovering and then got on with life. In September and October she went for check-ups that seemed fine, and her only complaint was abdominal pain, which steadily got worse, mainly at nights. But it was thought to be a side effect from the radiation. I remember waking up one night with her writhing in pain and getting worried.

Apart from that, she was at full strength again, and our relationship had matured. We had so much fun together, and her sparkling presence will always be missed by me. We really were building a lovely life together. Look below at the photo I took on a sunset by the beach one day, to me it is the perfect person, exactly what I needed.

Her stomach had been getting worse and worse until we eventually took her in to hospital in December for bowel surgery, as we thought scarring had caused a bowel obstruction. When they opened her up , there was cancer everywhere. It shocked everyone. From then on, she didn’t have much chance.

It really took us by suprise. She had bought a cycling computer like mine and was very enthusiastic to clock up lots of kilos, but it only registered 40 kms before she was cut down. I bought her a new helmet that she loved. She wore it to one race, came second and got a silver, and at the next race withdrew because her stomach hurt. She never wore it again.

We had all kinds of plans, about holidays and marriage and kids and careers, and they were suddenly dashed to bits. At all times we operated under the plan that she was going to make it, only giving up right at the end. Still sad to me that we bought nice linen for our marriage that she hardly slept in, she chose a tent that she never camped in, etc. She was denied all the simple things she wanted that brought her such joy.

Looking back at the pictures now, I can see how since that day in December, she had a kind of seriousness about her, a sadness that was inside her as she slipped out of this world. The photo below is one of the last I took of her, on our honeymoon. She is so lovely, but you can see in her eyes and behind her expression that she knew what path she was travelling.

I often wonder what I would change if I could go back to December, if I had know that when we got married it would not even last 100 days. If on honeymoon I should have just lain next to her and gazed at her. But then I realised that I would have just been prolonging the death and parting experience. We did the opposite, we extended the life experience as long as we could, because we had so much joy out of being a couple together.

After the honeymoon, complication after complication arose. Each time we chose to fight, and each time she had a horrible procedure with dire consequences, and each time there was another nasty surprise until there was nothing she could do anymore but give in. She stopped eating and a week later was gone. In that week I spent almost every minute by her side, and was holding her in my arms as she drew her last breath. We were both hopeful that if it ended, it would be in that close and loving manner. By then, we were both praying for her release. And then she was free, and now our memory is not of those last days but of a life filled with joy and happiness.

I have always been positive, but always had a kind of sadness from never having had soul companionship. I truly had that with Mel, and it is devastating that she left us. Now the lonesome feeling is back, but there is one change.

She came into my life and loved me fully, and this let me love myself properly, and love others. This is a great gift we gave each other, and I will try to never lose it.

I have read before, that in the grief process, it is common that the first time you experience something without the other person, it often hits you afresh. This is true.

This weekend I was in Hermanus, and trying to remember exactly when I was there last, and what we had done. Then I took my pack of dogs for a walk, and we went down the dirt road by the sea. I went around the corner, and when I saw the scene I remembered it like it was yesterday. Mel had been getting into her mountain biking, and we had both bikes there and were riding there for her to practice. She liked it because it was not too step, so suitable terrain. We were riding and talking, having so much fun, just enjoying our lives together. It is almost inconceivable that the next time I am there, I am alone, and she has left this world as her body gave in. Not even a year ago, she was the picture of health and happiness.

It is hard to accept, but at least looking back on that memory, it reminds me of the good and full life that we had. Like she once mentioned, every time we went away somewhere together, we had a great time. It was never a disappointment, because we had the company of each other.

She started getting me to go to spinning classes, which was never really my thing, preferring the mountains. But I started enjoying it too. Today I went, and it was the first time since she left us. I sat by chance on the same bike, and looked next to me where she always sat, and could almost picture her there, bobbing as she pedalled at high speed. She would always flash me the hugest grin when I looked at her, and she just LOVED it when we went together. She was simple like that, just wanting to spend time together doing something fun. When I arrived there would be a bottle of water and bottle of sports drink ready in the bike, and the bike size settings would be set to what I need, and my riding shoes there. Afterwards she would give me a lift back to the office. All these small things she did to make my world as wonderful as she could. When I looked at that empty bike today, all of this flashed through my head, and out of nowhere, on a normal day, I suddenly choked on grief, and had to hide my head in my armpit as the tears flowed. Something as simple as a spinning class made the grief feel fresh again as I was confronted with it unexpectedly.

It is such a strange process to go through. One the one hand it is the most tragic, unbearable, painful, awful loss, that it seems impossible to recover from. On the other hand, it has happened. It is over. No amount of anything is going go change that. So, it is about coping with it, dealing with it, and living your life still. As always, we have to make the best of everything.

I am going to share the little bit I have composed and added to the front of my daily prayer:

Lord, give me the understanding and acceptance of the untimely death of my lovely wife Melanie Henning
Let me somehow still be filled with peace, love and happiness
Let strength and healing flow through me and help me to recover from this awful loss

I can only hope it does. It will, I know that.